


Meritech

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Misc UA [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Light Angst, Missing Scene, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy is So Done, Number Five | The Boy-centric, POV Number Five | The Boy, Stressed Number Five | The Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: One shot of the missing scenes that lead to Five trying to get access to the Meritech records by making Klaus pretend to be his dad.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Misc UA [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077887
Comments: 4
Kudos: 103





	Meritech

**Author's Note:**

> Written from Five’s subjective perspective

Trying to formulate some kind of plan in his mind, Five was growing enraged by his lack of access to Meritech. Being treated like a child was the second most frustrating thing Five had ever experienced. The first was getting stuck in the apocalypse. Storming over to the bar, Five felt a drink or two would help him relax. Five moved around Klaus to get said drink, pretending he wasn’t there. “Woah, hold your horses there, little man.” Klaus rudely removed the bottle from Five, as though he was in any position to talk on the subject.

If anyone was the little man, it was Klaus. Five was old enough to be his father. “I’m 58, you imbecile.” Five simply picked up another bottle, since they were stood at a goddamn bar. How moronic was Klaus?

“Your brain is, your body isn’t.” Klaus confiscated that bottle too, not learning anything from the first time. How long were they going to play this game for? There were dozens of bottles underneath the bar, how many would it take for his brother to realise?

“Do you recall the time I accidentally drank from your cup when we were twelve?” Five smugly brought up the time they’d gotten in significant trouble, since Five had done a spit take at the unexpected vodka. Five had never even tasted alcohol before, he’d been concerned the drink had been poisoned. Klaus awkwardly handed the bottle back, Five having delivered a checkmate. Again, why Klaus felt Five needed that specific bottle back was a mystery. He was already in the process of getting another from the collection of many.

Sipping from his drink, Five had a eureka moment. There was nothing a junkie loved more than cash. “How would you like to pretend to be my dad for twenty dollars?”

—

Manically planning a strategy in his room, Five reluctantly opened the door when he heard footsteps. What the hell was he wearing?! Five’s order couldn’t have been more simple. This choice of clothing was even weirder than what he’d been wearing originally. “I _told_ you t-“ before he could chastise Klaus, more footsteps began. They sounded tiny this time. Shit. Vanya. “Get in there!” Five frantically pointed to his closet, aware this all looked quite suspicious. Especially since Vanya was already of the belief that Five was certifiably insane. Hanging out with Klaus would likely only further that theory.

“Nah, I spent too long in the closet.“ Ignoring Klaus entirely, Five hurriedly shoved him towards the direction of the closet. Klaus still wouldn’t get in, enjoying Five’s evident worry.

Without weapons, this thirteen year old body was annoyingly weak, Five couldn’t even overpower somebody this scrawny. “Do you want the twenty dollars, or not?!” Five angrily whispered, immediately making Klaus hide like he’d been told to. Klaus better not sneeze or something proportionately as stupid whilst Vanya was in the room. That would be just typical. A sneezing closet.

—

Stressfully looking through their dad’s surprisingly vast closet, Five tried to find something that wouldn’t make Klaus look like a before and after weight loss picture. He needed to look respectable. Pausing his searching to give Klaus a contemptuous glance, Five realised he was going to look ridiculous either way. Five grabbed the first suit he saw, and sternly handed it to Klaus. “No doing anything weird to it.” Five distrustingly demanded, anticipating him cutting holes in it or something equally as bizarre. 

“I never do anything weird.” Klaus deadpanned, beginning to get changed as if Five wasn’t right there. What the hell was wrong with this man?! This family had taken a profound nosedive in Five’s absence. Quickly covering his eyes, Five jumped out of the room before he could see the unseeable.

This wasn’t going to work, Klaus was probably going to make Meritech even less willing to play ball. All of the others were too stupidly wrapped up in their own trivial lives to assist Five. It was almost insulting how little they’d allowed his arrival to change their plans. They also couldn’t be trusted with this information yet, they’d just muddy the waters. Tensely rolling the glass eye around in his hand, Five felt taunted by how close he was to finding its rightful owner.

—

Here goes nothing. Jumping into the drivers seat, Five beckoned for Klaus to get in the van. Five scowled at him as he opened the door, already knowing what he was going to mention. “Are you sat on a phone book? That’s so _adorable!_ ” Klaus predictably teased, leaning to patronizingly pinch Five’s cheek. Smacking his hand away, Five was regretting this plan before it had even began. Going with goddamn Pogo would’ve probably been better received than Klaus, and he was a talking chimpanzee. That train of thought reminded Five of something that had been bugging him since he’d arrived in 2019.

Heading onto the road, Five reluctantly decided to ask Klaus. “Why does Luther look like King Kong?” Vanya’s book certainly hadn’t mentioned that. It wasn’t something you didn’t notice either, it was pretty overbearing. His head looked like a pea compared to his over the top proportions. The apocalyptic rubble Five discovered him in 45 years ago had definitely distracted from the gargantuan size of Number One.

“Oh shit, he really looks like that?! I thought that was just me!” Klaus chortled, leaving Five even more concerned about how this meeting at Meritech was going to go down. The world was going to end, wasn’t it? Why were his siblings so goddamn idiotic? The only smart ones were dead or ordinary, that was of no use to Five. Ben not being here was still disappointing, even if Five had known he was long dead.

“Could you ever conjure Ben?” Five stoically asked, wondering if there was a chance Klaus’ power still worked at the time of Ben’s death. The book had been rather vague about Ben - which was understandable, but also irritating. If Vanya was going to spill all of their deepest, darkest secrets to the world, she should’ve fully committed to that.

“Would you believe me if I said yes?” that was a shockingly valid response from Klaus, because Five certainly wouldn’t. He’d struggle to believe Klaus if he said that the sky was blue, or the pope was a catholic.

Glaring at another driver who looked disturbed by him driving, Five berated himself for his moronic mathematical error. Being thirteen was unbearable enough the first time, but twice was just obscene. “Let’s go over some ground rules.” Five authoritatively spoke over Klaus, having been paying no attention to what he was saying to begin with. “No jokes. No talking unless you’re spoken to, and even then, try not to speak.” That verbal diarrhea would probably end with the lab calling the police. “You’re my dad, but we’re not using that backstory you came up with.” Five was unimpressed with how proud Klaus was of that nonsense. 

“Okay, I’m your _daddy_.” Blocking out Klaus’ crude joke, Five was glad he’d gotten that out of his system before they went in. Particularly since Five looked like a pubescent boy, CPS would likely be called as well as the cops.

The closer they got to Meritech, the more Five wanted to change his mind about Klaus’ involvement. “All you need to do is just sit there and be quiet.” Five condescendingly commanded, despite knowing that Klaus definitely wouldn’t listen to any of these instructions.

“Can I get the cash up front? I don’t trust you, you were always an asshole.” Klaus was miraculously correct for once, since Five wasn’t going to pay him a single cent.

“I don’t trust you either, so take it or leave it.” Five confidently muttered, knowing Klaus was definitely going to take the risk if there was a chance of getting paid. Vanya’s memoir had been so helpful for Five, it had given away all of their weak spots. Which was understandably why the animosity between them all had skyrocketed. That book had been the only link Five had held with his family for nearly half a century, it was difficult to dislike it.

Not wanting to use up his power supply, Five exited the van like a normal person. He felt a strong sense of dread as he stared up at the building. This was going to be a chaotic disaster, wasn’t it? Klaus was still talking about absolute nonsense, even though Five wasn’t acknowledging it. “I’ll sever your vocal chords myself if you don’t shut the hell up.” Five growled at Klaus, which infuriatingly only caused his brother to giggle.

“You’re so goddamn _cute_ , I just wanna squ-“ Five jumped away from Klaus before he could touch him, feeling this was a necessary use of his limited spatial jumps.

Five snickered at Klaus beginning to squeeze the cheeks of thin air. Nervously shuffling his weight from foot to foot, Five tried to stop thinking of the apocalypse too much. That was made difficult by knowing they were one step closer to the world going kaboom if this went badly. “The more you dillydally, the less money I’m giving you.” Five grouchily warned, like he had any intention to pay Klaus to begin with. Klaus gave him enthusiastic finger guns, sauntering over to join Five up the steps. Why were these people so gullible? It was very useful for Five, it allowed him to easily take advantage of them all. No wonder Luther went to the moon for a man who clearly loathed him. 

Getting in the elevator together, Five was surprised by Klaus’ claustrophobia apparently lessening. Though he realised sixteeen years was a long time with many changes. All of those changes were missed by Five, something he’d sadly never be able to get back. “Run me through the ground rules.” Five curtly requested, wanting Klaus to repeat them to him. Just to see if he’d actually listened to a word Five had said. He surely hadn’t.

The pause of uncertainty was exactly as expected. “I’m...” Klaus looked up to the ceiling in thought, acting as if it had been more than five minutes since the rules were set. “...your _daddy_ , and I just need to sit there and look pretty.”

Clenching his hands into fists, Five was practically shaking with his levels of exasperation. “Stop saying daddy, and especially like that!” Five hissed, seeing this trip ending with him in state enforced foster care. The bit about looking pretty was Klaus’ own spin on the rules, but Five wasn’t going to bother disputing the wording. As long as he sat down and shut up, Five didn’t give a damn.

As his brother began to drink yet more liquor, Five tried to scoldingly snatch it from his hand. Unfortunately Five was a great deal shorter than Klaus, who childishly lifted the flask high up in the air. Five couldn’t even spatial jump above them to grab it, there was a distinct chance he’d end up outside of the moving elevator and be crushed to death. That would be a ludicrous way to ensure the apocalypse went ahead. “You’re like Scrappy Doo!” Klaus obnoxiously teased, thankfully putting the flask back when they arrived at their correct floor.

“Did I say twenty dollars? I meant ten.” Five stormed out of the elevator ahead of Klaus, who easily caught up with him. Having such short legs again was logistically a nightmare. How did Vanya live like this?

“Did I say Scrappy Doo? I meant Scooby Doo, the mature leader of the group!” Klaus ridiculously grovelled, like being called Scooby Doo was a compliment. Grinding his teeth, Five dismissively shushed Klaus. He needed to make a decent first impression this time. “Is it really ten dollars?” Klaus whispered down to him, the money remaining his sole concern. Five shushed him more ferociously, shaking his head just to appease him.

Patiently standing at the front desk, Five placed his hands behind his back like a well behaved schoolboy. He was hoping this would mean that they weren’t going to instantly call security. Klaus unbelievably tried to hold his hand, like Five was a young child crossing the road. Fiercely shaking Klaus’ hand away, Five felt on the edge of screaming at him. “I will kill you, _literally_ kill you!” Five snapped almost inaudibly, sensing that utterance getting them forcibly removed from the building.

“I’m just trying to be a good _daddy._ ” Klaus used that word and suggestive tone purely to rile Five up, luckily speaking quietly enough for the secretary not to hear. The amount of entertainment all of this was bringing Klaus wasn’t acceptable.

Once the secretary hung up the phone, Five politely cleared his throat. “Hi again, I’m here with my dad this time. A responsible adult.” Five disdainfully looked up at Klaus, never having met a more irresponsible adult. “My dad would like to discuss the prosthetic eye.” just because he was focusing so hard on not saying daddy, Five almost said it by mistake. This was going to be a waste of his precious time, he should’ve just kidnapped a random person and forced them into this charade instead.

The secretary looked up at Klaus, which was anxiety-inducing for Five since that was one of the rare instances he was allowed to speak. “As your son was told, that information is confidential.” she stated decisively, hovering her hand over the phone.

When Klaus shoved his hands over Five’s ears, Five worriedly tried to wriggle to freedom. What the hell was he intending on saying?! “Please let him talk to the science guy, it’s his dying wish. He’s a very sick little boy.” Five heard through the muffling of his brother’s hands. For some inexplicable reason Klaus’ lie seemed to have worked, as the secretary retracted her hand from the phone. When his ears were uncovered, Five feebly coughed, trying to look piteously on the brink of death. Perhaps this wouldn’t be a total waste of time after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This was pre-written from last year but feel free to request shit for when I have time


End file.
